In the beginning, before bandwidth, there was nothingness. Out of that endless void God and His heavenly host created...Arpanet, and it was good. But the scientific, military and computer angels who dwelled in Arpanet were lonely, so they brought forth Browser, and the Web was born.

It, too, was good and the children of the internet lived in peace and harmony and were fruitful and multiplied, but God warned His people not to eat of the forbidden fruit of commercialism. Alas, they disobeyed and soon barbarians drove the children of the internet out of Paradise. God, in His wrath, turned away from His people and condemned them to wander in the digital wilderness.

His people, lost and without purpose said 'Come, let us build ourselves a forum, and threads with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole internet. God, seeing what His people were doing, came down and confounded their languages and forced them into distinct posting groups or personalities known as Flame Warriors and thence scattered the people throughout the myriad of forums. (Adapted from Flame Warriors by Mike Reed)

The following are but a few of the forum tribes and Flame Warrior personalities resulting from this heavenly scattering:

(Any resemblances to real persons here in these forums are merely coincidental and should not be taken literally! This thread is meant in humor and fun!! Please refer to Warrior #13 if you feel otherwise.)

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1. Admin:
Admin is the janitor, the cop, the mayor, the judge and sometimes even the forum doctor who tends to Warriors injured in battle - Because he runs the forum and sets the rules Admin has the power to pull the plug on any Warrior who gets a little too frisky. Sometimes his efforts are appreciated, but like any authority figure he is also resented by other Warriors who would like to turn the forum into their personal playground. Most Admins are generally fair and even handed, but the adage that absolute power corrupts absolutely is as true on the internet as it is anywhere else, and it is a rare Admin who can resist bringing the hammer down if seriously pressed by a determined foe. Sycophant and other suckups will also attach themselves to a strong Admin to form a defensive perimeter around him, and more often than not Admin's enemies will be driven off without him ever having to brandish his ax. CAUTION: Admin is the most powerful of all Warriors and drawing him into direct battle invites almost certain defeat. Rebel Leader does pose a limited threat to Admin's power by formenting a revolt and causing forum members to jump ship.



2. RebelLeader:
Rebel Leader has an uncanny ability to upset the settled order of a discussion forum. Other Warriors may be excellent in single combat, but Rebel Leader's charisma, political instincts and verbal skills enable him to rally collective assaults powerful enough to overthrow and silence Cyber Sisters/Brothers. Rebel Leader may draw allies from almost any of the other Warrior classes, but he can usually count on Sycophant in the early stages of the conflict, and after the revolution is well underway. Once the revolution has succeeded, however, Rebel Leader quickly loses interest in the cause.

3. BigDog / MeeToo:
Big Dog is a bully who doesn't hesitate to use his superior strength to intimidate other combatants. Big Dog may be smart, articulate or just plain mean, but in any case he is a remorseless fighter, brutally ripping into even the weakest of combatants. Once Big Dog securely fastens his powerful jaws on a hapless victim,
Me-Too will join the attack. Me-Too is far too weak and insecure to engage in single combat, and must ally himself with Big Dog or a pack of other Warriors to bring down his quarry.

4. Sycophant:
Sycophant differs from Me-Too in that he is much more concerned with sucking up than he is with actually doing battle. Of course, he WILL engage in some light combat to impress Big Dog and other stronger Warriors, but he never exposes himself to unnecessary danger. Although combatants sometimes employ Sycophant to buttress an attack, his constantly shifting loyalties make him a weak and unreliable ally.

 

 

   

13. PerryNoyah:  
Perry Noyah has, at some time in his life, been either a Victim or a member of a Swarm, thus his need to see every comment as a personal affront or an opportunity to instigate a battle. His uncanny ability to turn even the most benign post into a paranoid ranting of being personally attacked can destroy many constructive threads. PerryNoyah can also masquerade as Ego by virtue of his belief that everyone is talking about him and that he is the center of every discussion. He will also try to convince others that he has been attacked thereby calling forth the swarm or Cybergang to avenge his “perceived” personal attack. With the thread fully disabled from its original direction, PerryNoyah either retreats to search other threads for covert insults or joins the Swarm in continuing the contrived battle.

14. Nanny:
Nanny tirelessly monitors forum discussions to make sure that everyone behaves. Though he is quick to admonish for off-topic messages and petty squabbling, he is generally slow to anger. Rather than wading into pitched battles, Nanny simply pulling the plug on combatants and bans repeat offenders. Weaker Warriors such as Crybaby will run to Nanny for protection in the midst of battle.

15. Crybaby:
Although sometimes a male, Crybaby is usually a female, and often a close ally of Cyber Sisters/Brothers. When teased or attacked Crybaby will pitch a loud public temper tantrum, holding her breath and kicking her feet. If that defense fails she will run to Nanny for comfort.

16. Ego:
For Ego, the discussion forum is all about him, and he regards discussions that stray from that topic as trivial dalliances. Although tolerant of an occasional shift in focus, Ego grows increasingly restive when the forum's attention shifts away from his interests, and he will often provoke conflict to reestablish himself as the subject at hand. Ego is one the fiercest of all the Warriors and will fight to the death when attacked.

17. FragileFemme:
Fragile Femme is very needy and insecure and regards the discussion forum as her personal support group, and will lash out when her feelings are not "validated" by the others. Fragile Femme will often refer to the forum participants as her "family" and becomes distraught at disharmony of any kind. She regards a minor disagreement with her as devastating personal assaults and will often dissolve into hysteria when confronted. Her hyperactive sense of injury renders her fighting tactics fairly ineffective.

18. FuriousTyper:
Furious Typer’s combat strategy is to drown her adversary in a tsunami of angry verbiage. She is absolutely immune to subtlety and ignores all but the barest essentials of any argument. After briefly appraising the gist of her opponent’s counter attack she puts her head down and rapidly fires off long rambling messages replete with grammatical and factual errors. The typical Furious Typer lacks endurance, however, and if the other combatants can weather the initial assault she will quickly exhaust herself and retire from the field.

19. Godfather:
Forums often contain one or more unacknowledged sub-societies, but everyone except the most clueless know that these groups exist and constantly feel their influence. Such alliances congeal because of similarities in ideas and attitudes, or for the desire for power and influence within the forum. Since human beings are hierarchical creatures each of these little mafias always have a Godfather who is surrounded by a cadre of loyal henchmen. Unlike Rebel Leader ,Furious Typer and other noisy Warriors, Godfather only occasionally deigns to enter into discussions, but when he does everyone listens to him respectfully and his pronouncements have an air of finality. Though Godfather himself never engages in battle, it is commonly understood that his utterances should not be challenged, and when an unsuspecting Newbie or ambitious wannabe mounts a challenge to his authority Godfather’s henchmen viciously silence or drive away the attacker.

20. EagleScout:
Eagle Scout is a positive, constructive Warrior who endeavors to submit original articles which contain useful content and relevant information with supporting citations and links, thus initiating meaningful discussion threads. Eagle Scout regards the internet as an uplifting, egalitarian, worldwide arena for the exchange of ideas among intelligent, thinking individuals. He does not openly attack, but will (ever tactfully) chastise disruptive comments, gratuitous insults and cretinous insipidity. He is always kind and helpful to Newbie, and will shrug off even the most egregious insults.

 

 

21. Grammarian:
Grammarian usually has little to contribute to a discussion and possesses few effective weapons. To compensate, he will point out minor errors in spelling and grammar. Because of Grammarian's obvious weakness most Warriors ignore him.

22. Bong:
Is it just you or does this guy seem to babble on and on without making any sense whatsoever? Does he lurch from one non sequitur to another? Are you baffled by his obscure metaphors? Are there so many typos you think that maybe he was typing while wearing a catcher's mitt? Can he really MEAN what he just said? What in the hell is he talking about, anyway? Is this guy smoking something? Well, yes...in fact he is, and lightly tethered in orbit high above the Earth, Bong remains far beyond the grasp of the even the most powerful of Warriors.

23. Diplomat:
Diplomat butts into hot disputes, presuming that the combatants will welcome and appreciate his even-handed and eminently reasonable mediation. Frankly, he gets what he deserves.

24. Jerk:
Jerk is sarcastic, mean, unforgiving and never misses an opportunity to make a cutting remark. Jerk's repulsive personality quickly alienates other Warriors, and after some initial skirmishing he is usually ostracized. Still, Jerk is very happy to participate in electronic forums because in cyberspace he is free to be himself...without the risk of getting a real-time punch in the mouth.

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41. Philosopher:
Unlike Profundus Maximus, Philosopher can actually be quite knowledgeable on a variety of subjects. Somewhat humorless and aloof, he is also slow to anger, and when he deigns to join in the fray he is considerate of other opinions. His fighting tactics are direct and uncomplicated - he smothers the opposition with his ponderous and lengthy cogitations. Only the strongest and most patient Warriors can survive an extended battle with Philosopher.

42. GreatMother:
Great Mother is usually one of the board’s long-time, perhaps even founding members. She is knowledgeable and articulate, is very involved in nearly all discussions and obviously spends a great deal of off-board time collecting new material to bring home for the delight and enlightenment of her board children.
Great Mother can be distinguished from any other Flame Warrior in that she demonstrates the ability to address and pass judgment on several of her children’s behavior ALL AT THE SAME TIME, whilst conspicuously avoiding playing favorites. Her frequent interventions, like all good mothers,’ chastise bad behavior and then immediately encourage improved behavior so as not to discourage her child’s growth potential. ‘Relentless Rebutter,’ she might say, ‘I think we’ve all gotten your point and it’s a good one, to be sure, but now it might be time to move on. And Grammarian, your point, too, is well-taken, though I have to say that in certain little-known cultures in the Himalayas, Garble’s syntax would probably be considered correct.’
Great Mother has perfected a powerful weapon to use against those of her children who refuse to succumb to her positive reinforcement techniques. The dreaded Time-Out. You’ll know she’s put you in Time-Out mode when you post in a particular thread and Great Mother immediately posts right after you, totally ignoring you and instead addressing the poster before you. The discussion then moves off without you. You move to another thread, try again, but alas, Great Mother ignores you, addresses a previous discussion, and you’re left stranded again. Great Mother will continue your Time-Out for at least a day, perhaps a full week or even a month if you’ve been particularly naughty.


43. QueenBeeYahch:
The QueenBeeYahch is usually frustrated in her own personal life, and compensates for her failures by attacking those whom she views as threats to her throne. She detests humor as she finds nothing funny about her meaningless life and regards joviality as a weakness. Her bee skin is so thin that even the smallest of comments can set her off into a vicious tirade against anyone within her narrow vision. She attacks with a venomous poisonous sting aimed squarely at those whom she considers beneath her royal imagined status. Visions of grandeur race through her cavernous head while logic, common sense, and basic tenets of humanity are nowhere to be found. Because of her limited mental prowess, she exhibits no independent views of her own, just an innate ability to cause pain and suffering, therefore she is more wasp than bee. The QueenBeeYahch will align herself with others of her kind, including the WorkerBees to do her bidding and the Drones to fill the role of the enchanted mirror, mirror on the wall. Her most likely antagonists are YukYuks, EagleScouts and Philosophers. While she imagines that her royal court and forum netizens all adore and respect her, she is unable to fathom the concept that love and respect are to be earned, not ordered. She is tenacious in her battles and a formidable warrior but will become conspicuously absent from discussions where she feels inadequate or on the losing side. Appearances are everything to a Queen.

44. Crusader:
A Crusader takes it upon themselves and makes it their duty to defend the weak, and the innocent, and the newbies of the boards and the structures of the board itself. They are natural enemies of Big Dogs, Jerks, and all others who choose to exercise their might. Crusaders enjoy battle, and eagerly enter the fray in the name of Defending the virtuous. They are eager to prove their might and defeat the most powerful warriors, but only in the name of defending the weak. They will not purposely mount an attack unless warranted. A Crusader is often chased from the battlefield when the Big Dogs or even sometimes the Swarm or QueenBeeyahch unite against him, or sometimes when the wrath of the Admin falls upon him if nanny or crybaby complain loudly enough. At this point, Crusader may fall back to become a Lurker, waiting for his next noble cause.

 

45. The Royals:
Whether through virtue, contributions, force of personality or sheer longevity certain forum participants will rise to form an aristocracy. The Royals usually comprise those members of long standing or those who rule the forums at the corporate level. While it is generally taboo to openly acknowledge the class distinctions, the hierarchy is well understood by all. While for the most part the Royals rule with magnanimity, they will not tolerate impertinence from the hoi polloi. It is their habit to remain aloof from petty squabbles among their subjects, but when full-scale war breaks out their intervention can be decisive. No warrior can challenge a Royal and hope to live to tell the tale. One stroke of the royal scepter and the upstart is banned forever. The Royal court extends to Admin and even Nanny but QueenBeeYahch, being royal only in her own warped reality is excluded and only mildly tolerated. Rebel Leader sometimes parries with Royals but is careful not to cross certain boundaries for fear his power will be usurped

 

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49. NetRat:
Net Rat spends countless hours in front of the computer and loves to play at being a grownup. Imagine your chagrin if in a private chat, you've been pouring out your anguish over a recent messy breakup with your boyfriend, or you have finally mustered the courage to talk about some particularly sensitive topic, or perhaps you thought you found a romantic soulmate on the internet only to discover that your hot cyber interest turns out to be in junior high. Even worse, in a serious discussion forum you may think you have succesfully faked a convincing understanding of Spinoza and later discover that the only person you have really managed to fool is still reading Twilight or Harry Potter. Well, don't feel too bad about it - some Net Rats can be very convincing.

 

50. Bumpasaurus:
Bumpasaurus is a fairly weak warrior whose weapon is to artificially “bump” a thread back to the top of the first page of a forum. This may be to continue a thread that he created himself, thus elevating his position in the forum hierarchy or to annoy others who would like to see that thread relegated to the nether reaches of the forum. Most Bumpasauri employ the word “bump” in their post either by itself, which is self explanatory or mockingly use the word in a sentence, such as “I bumped into an old friend recently who reminded me of this thread.” Bumpasauri are sometimes known as Necroposters as they try to revive dead threads. Most other warriors will at some time or another align themselves with a Bumpasaurus to avail themselves of his talents when it benefits their battle. He is loathed, however, by Nanny, Netiquette Nantzi and Admin, who find it a terrible breach of netiquette to have deceased threads brought back to life.