There are banners all over Myspace saying, "Is Tyra Fat?"  I would like to say a big "fuck you" to society for all the hype on whether or not people think Tyra Banks is fat.  Ok let's look at this:

1.  Tyra Banks could weigh 180 pounds and still look AMAZING.

2.  I don't think 180 lbs for the height she is would even be fat.

3.  That number is much higher than they are saying she actually is.

4.  She is a RETIRED model...no one's forcing her to be annorexic anymore.

5.  All of this is actually PROMOTING annorexia because they are showing someone who a lot of girls look up to as "fat" when she really only gained like 30 pounds.

6.  I am extremely pleased with Tyra for her reaction to all this crap.  She is admitting to the weight gain and explaining that it is HEALTHY.  That is so true.  No one should be as tall and skinny as your typical model.  And no one should ever tell anyone they need to lose weight for the media.

7.  Look at her...yes you can see she's put on some weight from that ONE, unflattering photo of her, and she's not freakishly thin.  I hope people still look up to her even if she's "chunky."

8.  I'd say probably 20% of Americans weigh less than her.  This frustrates me beyond belief.  Here we are, examining a beautiful woman, and telling everyone she's fat.  What are the REAL fat people going to think?  People who suffer from obesety will become even more depressed when they hear that this woman who is probably a third of their weight is fat.  They are going to feel like giant blobs.

9.  Didn't a recent Dove commercial use "fat" models to sell their product?  Aren't they doing extremely well?

10.  Seriously, America, do you really have anything better to talk about than Tyra Banks and her weight?  I'm disappointed in you.  I hope Brad Pitt gains 200 pounds to piss all of you off.

When night falls
I see too much light
I see the moon shine black
Against the pale screen of white

When day comes
I sleep
I keep the shadows away
I keep you away

When night comes again
I find you
I feel safe
You don't leave me in your sleep

What do people know?
Nothing of me
Not that I know more
Or less

Do you find it easy?
Does loving me
Make your moon shine brighter?

It should

I don't know if I'll ever figure out what went wrong.
I can still smell your hair when you just got out of the shower.
Like a decade ago, oh wait I knew you then
But you were so young and I was so scared.

I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to let you go.
Craig David keeps telling me I should.
But what does he know anyway?  He's just a singer.
He never knew what it was like to love you.

I don't know why I still leave you messages
Or call you at night when I need someone to talk to.
You always said I was so desperate, so vulnerable.
I know it's true and that's one of the reasons I need you.

I wish there was something I could say to make you want me.
At least love me just a little bit.
To make things the way they were before.
"Once the paper's crumpled up it can't be perfect again."

I still wear my Kelly Clarkson shirt when I'm sad
Or on days when I feel like I could use a little luck.
It was funny the way you passed out at the concert
And I was the one who was so excited to be there in the first place.

I don't know why I still think about Cape Cod
Or how I don't care what the hell I did to my uncle's shower.
Those few days were fun, even if they were too hot.
The attic wasn't so bad on the third was it?

I don't know why I still have our anniversary in my date book.
Every month I get a little beep, a little reminder
Of how you aren't there anymore.
And how I know you don't remember that the day might mean something.

I don't know why I even bother writing this.
I know you won't read it.
And if you do you won't say anything about it.
You'll just go on living your life, happy I'm no longer in it.

I don't know how I'll ever get over you.
I don't know why I still love you.
I don't know when I'll see you next.
And I don't know if you even care.

Casting warm shadows on the forest floor
The peaceful winter I see no more
But the heat of spring air calms my face
Making the world seem brighter than before

The beautiful scent of fresh new flowers
Attracts me most during soft rain showers
But will forever hold their soft tranquillity
Even if their life consists of just hours

Fresh green leaves dance on the trees
And sway a new song in the sunny spring breeze
Ending their ballet only when Autumn comes
But until then they sing with grace and ease

Tossing my head back to bask in the sun
This new hope has yet just begun
So I smile and close my eyes to breath in
Greatful of the work that nature has done

I keep seeing sillhoettes
They look like me and still I know they aren't

You throw punches at my fractured skull
Not you, the way you are
The way things are

I keep one eye open in the night
Hoping to see you come home

You aren't coming home are you
Is this the way it's going to be?

One day I'll choke on all these swallowed lies
I'll carve a memory into your skin
Your burning flesh smells so appetizing

And then I see those sillhoettes
The whips of smoke leaving your lips
The last bits of life leaving your lungs

I just need you to come home

A sudden shock through my veins
I sense you behind me
You are the cold wind on my face
Freezing me to the point I may burn
Even in the dark you glow
Anxiety stings the backs of my eyes
But I am drawn to your stare
I know that this is it
Long hours waited for now
But the present is almost over
I long for tears to fall
If only I didn't love you
Everything would become so trivial
It's like I'm leaving forever
I have to stop living just for you
Smiles could wipe away the sorrow
Too bad it would only hurt us more
I promise to return again
I now have ice over my eyes
Over my heart
A frost that only you can melt

A door slams from the heavy wind
Hot and shaky I turn over in my bed
4:02am
That time again
It's so dark in here
It always is
Why do you always wake me now?
Completely awake
For I always am
I walk over to the window
I light the candle
I sing the song
Then I cry
So many tears over the flame
It wont go out
Please don't go out
I'm awake, I'm alive
You always tease me when you flicker
You scare me
Please don't die

Sandstorms brought me into to this world
On a cool night in Arizona

Where the sun scorches me alone
I always wonder why I never burn

I have tried to dig up the past
The sand is getting higher
Don't let me fall forever

When the cowboys and Indians are friends
Never feed a horse steak and potatoes

Those days when I really want a hat
And sneakers don't feel right on my feet

I would walk the desert forever

Searching for water seems a lost cause
Everything here is dry
And the smallest drop of rain hurts

Drop a camel on my back
I can lift him

Nothing is ever too hot for me
Throw me into a cactus
The needles feel good in my back

When the sandstorms come
Don't forget to inform me

I will find my horse and ride
Out to where the sandstorms come from

From the rise of the sun to the moon
A human race never falls from domination
Completely in control of the world
But surprisingly not of themselves
Will you torture me now and then later?
Somewhere there is bound to be intelligence
When the sun sets I will set out
Maybe along the path of destruction
There might be a forgotten answer
But then again no one has the answer
I have found that some things are best hidden
The ignorant souls around me search
What motivates this undying hunger?
For the rest of eternity I will wonder
On the darkest of nights I still can see
And for the first time since forever
No one is out there waiting for me
I have made peace with the world and myself
And I have no doubt that the rest will look
In every nook and cranny of the universe
I am hiding but you will not find me
Because I found what you all are looking for
I have finally found peace within nothing

The day has come my friend
I smell it in the air
Quickly snatching my weapon
I can hear them coming
Running out into the street
I watch the sea of soldiers
Lapping at the tide of my city
Charging towards the enemy
I call out a cry
A cry so strong
So powerful
That it seems time has stopped
For them to silently answer
Alone I fight
Alone I stand
Thrashing out at my opponents
I see the blood and death
The pain across their faces
As they fall tortured to the ground
The tears falling from their eyes
Their friends stabbed inside
Brothers fall to weep
Fathers driven mad
And I see now what happened
The blood on my hands
The blood on my face
Yes they are the enemy
But does that make them less than human?
The bodies strewn about
I am the last one standing
And I will cry again
For the murder
For the lives
For the people
That did nothing more than fight
That did nothing more than love
Pride for their beliefs
Sacrifices made for nothing
I see my face reflected
In the blood stained on my sword
My father's precious sword
And I smash it in the earth
I shatter it to pieces
So that it will never kill again
Falling to my knees
I bury my face in my hands
And I can smell the blood
Blood that could have been my own
Oh the things we do to win
The things we do for satisfaction
But the price is just too high, my friend
Can you not see what we have done?
The lives that could have been
The things they could have done
Why was this their fate?
Shaking now
I cry for society
I cry for the world

Everyone thinks that I am strong
But I have cried a thousand tears for you
And I know I went too far
That I put everything in you
And everyone told me not to
But hear me out, my words are true
I gave my heart away long ago
Yes, you know it's yours
And my happiness is drowning
In the rain of tears that pours
But help me clean my house of woe
Stand beside me while we wash the floors
And there will be no trace
Of the damage done
I will never give up on us
In me I promise you can trust
Because I know what we have is more than lust
Even though everyone says that I must
See something in you that is blind to them
And they aren't mistaken
They will never understand
I sigh as I think
Oh, the things we do for love
And that love I give to you

Would you find it in your heart
To pick me up off the ground
And I have destroyed your soul by the sound
I made when you slowly killed me
Would you find it in your heart
To love me one last time
While I lay here dying
So I can remember the look in your eyes
Would you find it in your heart
To kiss me when I'm weak
To defy the pain and deceit
Since you will never see me again
Would you find it in your heart
To spend your life with me
In this one lonely moment you will see
Before you cry a river of tears
Would you find it in your heart
To catch me before I fall
Before I won't be able to see you at all
I need to know that you need me
Would you find it in your heart
To hold my head in your hands
I am lost in the strands of time
Forever will I see your face
Would you find it in your heart
To keep my spirit with you
You know how much I miss you
So let me rest in pieces

On this day I believe in the power of love
That unbearable bliss and equally strong pain
When the world would stop turning
So you and I could be together for one day
One day that will never match a thousand
Let the bloodshed continue tomorrow
If I could love you more than anyone
Maybe for once my tears will save me
Forever may never come again for you and I
I will hold out my hand on this day alone
Take it before I change my mind from yesterday
All those hours spent contemplating my decision
I know that you would never leave me alone
But then again our chances keep slipping
One of these days I might mop the floors
Come and spend today with me
Even if we shall never meet again
On this day I came to an interesting conclusion
How I hate today's modern philosophy
I do not remember right from wrong
And you know I really could care less
Someday I will give you all my fate
It would be an even trade for your suffering
You know that I would do just about anything
Anything that would maybe lift your head a bit
I suppose that I have not told you yet
Come now, today shall be an adventure
You and I will know everything there is
Do not mind that you might forget it tomorrow
Just remember that I love you
And maybe this day will come again

Religion....such a controvercial topic.  But I'm bringing it up because I had another one of those revelations I get every now and then about myself.  I have a different belief system that probably 99.9% of people in the world.  I don't believe that we should worship a single person.  I don't believe in heaven or hell or reincarnation or anything like that.  I believe that there is something deep inside us that most of us have forgotten...and that is freedom.

First of all...what is free speech anyway?  Sure we can say we want to kill the president, but if we do we get arrested, so how is that freedom?  I also think that we, as not just a nation, but as a word, are completely scared.  I saw United 93 last weekend and I loved it.  I thought it was a great portrayal of people standing up for their country.  But as the plane was going down, people were praying...to all different kinds of gods.  And who told them about these gods anyway?  You do all realize that the Bible was written by half a dozen guys 2000 years ago.  So in theory, everyone who believes in God, believes something that a few guys told them to believe.  I'm not saying there isn't a god.  I'm just saying that people believe what others tell them to believe, and if that makes them feel safe, then good, but I think the vast majority of people have lost the ability to believe what they feel.

I do believe in fate and I do believe in destiny.  I have my own beliefs, my own kind of meditation, my own "God" to say.  And the other night I was lying in bed, thinking all this out, and I thought to myself, everyone is here for a reason, whether it be to make one person smile or to change the world.  I started wondering what my purpose was and I thought maybe it was to get people to realize that they aren't as trapped as they feel.  Or something.  I just completely lost my train of thought.  Oh well.

Why do people label themselves?  Because it makes them feel safe.  I admit I am one of those people.  For the past two years I've called myself a lesbian, ever since I fell in love with Katie, really.  It felt safe to say, "I like girls" because it made me feel like I belonged somewhere, and that place was in the gay community.  When you tell someone you're gay, you feel like they know you, and they get you, and you don't have to explain anything to them.  It's harder for me to sit here now, typing to no one, and say that I'm not a lesbian, than it ever was for me to get up in front of my homophobic familiy and say that I was.  Because the thing is, I know I'm not straight, or gay, or even bisexual.  I was actually having a conversation about this with a very good friend of mine last night, about how I was afraid that if I took back everything I had previously said about being gay, that I would seem to people like I was fake or hypocritcal, or immature and not knowing who I am or what I want.  But that is not at all the case.  Yes, I am afraid of what you or anyone else might think of me, but when it comes down to who I am, that doesn't matter.

I don't believe that gender matters.  At least not to me.  Nothing in a person matters to me...gender, race, religion, political views, or even blood.  The only thing that matters to me is charisma, chemistry, and love.  I have loved all kinds of people throughout my life.  I experienced true love when I was only 8 years old, and to be completely honest, I have never loved another as strongly as I did then.  Sexual orientation doesn't matter to me.  If you love someone, give them your heart, no matter who they are, or where they're from.  It just doesn't matter.

You can't take it
Niether can I
And we wish we could end it
Pull the trigger
It all will stop

Don't you leave me
I will do anything
Everything
I won't sit and watch
While they slowly tear us apart

On the count of three
We can leave

One...
I'll still be with you
Two...
God knows I love you to death
Three

Still there?
I am too
No one wants us
They try to stop us

Why the fuck are we still here?
I want to go back to my dream
The one where you were dying
The second I felt your hand fall

I collapsed

Selfish children we are
Love makes you blind
But I can see you

You've got that can of pepper spray
I feel the cool blade of my knife
A mission
Vengence

We are ready to kill
She can try and stop us
You know she always wins

I'm so completely drugged
Numb the pain
Why can't they see

This is our love story

But they don't see the tears
They see faded hazel eyes

I want to break them
Smash them and serve them for breakfast
I can't believe they let me go

Tens of thousands of miles away
Children cry
And they are hungry
They are cold

The mountains tower over me
And beg me to take the challenge

Do you not see the Himalayas?
I conquered them and more

This blade is getting hot
It searches for blood to soothe its pain
You gave me yours already
I can't ask more of you

But I love you to death
Did I say that already?
I can't remember

Ego brain is stuck in mine
And my cat is sleeping
I can't see straight but that candle
That one is for you

Find me
I'm not lost

Outside the wind is blowing
It's raining
It's 56 degrees just hours ago
I was chipping ice
Off the driveway

Is my headache coming back
Suddenly it occurs this is my xanga
I have no idea what's at the beginning

Blink-182
What's my age again?

Why are you still here?

Katie

This was supposed to be for you
But I'm too stoned or drunk
I can't remember

I'm going to make this better
Friday night
That's tonight
Wait
See what happens

Nothing

Third Eye Blind
Faster

If you got this far this is for you:
Gold star

What a prize
I still love you to death

You are the drug
The antidote
The liquor
My bloody knife

I want pepper spray

I can't think
I can't sleep
I am
I was
I will be

Tomorrow I might remember
I have a sister

Her mom tried to kill me
I think
Maybe that was me

Her friends will read this
And so will mine
They will think I'm crazy

You would be too
If you lost everything you still have

I stand watching as you lose yourself in the endless catacombs of misery
And I see through numbed eyes
That you really don't have any idea where you are going

So I follow you into the darkness
I see you trip and fall flat on your face
Over and over again
And during those brief moments when you try to gather yourself again
I get so close behind you I wonder why you cant feel my breath on the back of your neck
But I know you are aware of my presense
It is just so dark you can't find me
I am right behind you, whispering reasurring words in your ear
And although you refuse to admit it you know I'm here

You try so hard to pretend you aren't afraid
That you know just what you are doing
But you also know I've been here before
I know you hate to admit it but I have no doubt you are glad I never left you
You can tell them all you made it through alone
I'm just here to keep you safe in these cold dark caverns
To take first and second watch
So that you are completely rested for the hardship of tomorrow

And my presense doesn't make the journey any easier
But at least now you know you aren't alone

From now on all you have left is me and I know that keeps you going
Just know that you can sleep better knowing I'll keep the fire burning brighter
I watch you as you are sleeping
I can see you crying even after the day is dead and gone
And I wish that I could wash all the pain from the corners of your eyes
Because you know there's no way out of here
That you are just walking further and further into absolutely nothing

But you don't turn back because you would rather be here with me
I'm giving up everything as well but I would rather spend eternity being nothing less than your second soul
This cycle is never ending
So I will follow close behind you even when death has picked up our trail

Because I'll still love you after the end

Once upon a time she loved a girl named Hailey.  It was the happiest year of her life without question.  But Hailey, being only fourteen at the time, left the girl of seventeen when things got confusing.  She hated herself for losing Hailey because she thought they would always be together.  During that year she had learned to love and trust unconditionally, and to have that disappear without reason made her lose faith.  The girl had never known heartbreak before.  It wrecked her completely for another year after.

 

She met other girls that year.  She dated, and tried to regain the love she once lost.  But she never did.  The girl believed in love at first sight but never saw it.  Eventually she gave up and slept with a boy.  Not once or twice, but enough times to lose count and lose respect for herself.  She felt miserable, she felt incomplete, she felt her life was empty so she kept going back to see the boy.  She knew it was wrong.  That's why she did it.

 

Through the boy she met Rebecca, and she fell in love with her right away.  Together they started what she believed to be a relationship that couldn't even compare to what she had with Hailey.  Rebecca forced her to face reality in every horrible and exciting way possible.  Rebecca made her feel like the adult that she was, and made her question who she wanted to be and what she wanted to do with her life.  She made her feel alive after a year of being completely numb.  For that, she loved Rebecca with all her heart.

 

But was she falling for a heartbreaker?  Rebecca was the same age as Hailey, and while Hailey was everything she ever dreamed of, Hailey was in fact just an unattainable dream.  Rebecca was a reality, and she didn't want to hurt so badly again.  Although the girl had once again found love, she still couldn't trust, and she didn't know if she could trust Rebecca to love her in the same way she did.  The girl had doubts about Rebecca.  Was Rebecca as mature as she was?  Did Rebecca really know love?  These were questions the girl couldn't answer.

 

What the girl did know was that she loved herself, which is something many people can't do.  She loved how together she was and how she knew to question situations that didn't feel quite right.  As much as she loved Rebecca, she always compared her to Hailey, and Hailey always won.  And as long as she lived she would never again be with Hailey.  That was over.

 

So the girl did the only thing she found she could do.  She cried.  She was still empty inside and she didn't know why.  There was something missing and she didn't know what it was.  So she cried.  Her life was good.  She was happy with herself and where she was.  But over the year the girl had become a woman, and she was lonely.  She had learned so much about herself through both girls, but the only one she could have she was unsure of.  She wasn't going to fall for a heartbreaker.  The girl deserved better than that.

1.  I'm a little too in love with myself from the summer of 2005.

2.  You don't need to be having sex to be in love.

Online relationships: it's like...WHY????

Lesbians with boyfriends....WHY????

I was like....WHY???

ROFL!!!!!

Yeah I laughed way too much today.